The Nanny Diaries by Two Whiny Wenches 1. Pi…
Saturday, July 27th, 2002 by Miss LauraThe Nanny Diaries
by Two Whiny Wenches
1. Picture the worst job you’ve ever had.
Mine was my summer job in college as a nursing assistant at an infernal fiery pit, otherwise known as a nursing home. I always say that it gave a whole new meaning to the phrase “sweating with the oldies.”
When your main duty is to clean up the incontinent elderly summer break kind of loses it charm. Of course, you get all the added bonuses like having the men’s hall where three of your patients develop a deep attachment to your voice, arms, or general presence so they feel the need to masturbate when ever they hear you, wait until your hands are busy to try and kiss you, or grab on to those lovely arms while trying to pull you into bed. When you – for whatever bizarre reason – don’t acquiesce and go diving in with them they kick you in the head and send you flailing across the room.
2. Now – as I did above – describe that horrendous job in a not particularly witty, clever, or eloquent way but in a style which would most likely make someone else slightly cringe.
3. In the last part of the book, turn up the notch a bit. If you can’t think of any subtle way to do this, just make yourself seem so sacrificing and pure of heart that you give the reader a headache just as large as the job gave you.
4. Get a friend to help you scour over the story with a Thesaurus replacing all of the mundane words with shiny fancy ones.
5. Overpluck your eyebrows with said friend and take a picture which suggests that both of you could benefit from a long trip to powder your noses.
6. Publish the book, somehow get someone famous raving over the overrated piece of tripe, watch it as it zooms to the top of the bestsellers list, and give yourself a long pedicure knowing that you’re now wealthy and your work caused a poor bookshop girl to give herself a headache on a Saturday afternoon because she had to read something recent to keep her father who is constantly ranting, “Why do you only read things by authors who are DEAD? That doesn’t help the bookstore at all!” off her poor hunched back.
